I Said No

“Can you travel three hours each way?” “Can you squeeze in a last-minute consult?” “Can you do a weekday ceremony for food money?” For years my answer was almost always yes, because that hustle helped me build a wedding officiant business, learn fast, and meet incredible couples. Lately, though, I’ve been confronting something that’s way harder than writing a ceremony script: saying no and actually meaning it.

I walk you through the real reasons the word “no” is showing up more often, from time tracking and the hidden labor behind “small, simple” weddings to the emotional and physical limits that come with pregnancy. We talk about the moment the question changes from “How can I make this work?” to “Should I make this work?” and why that shift matters for any wedding vendor trying to avoid burnout while still delivering a great client experience.

You’ll hear the five filters I’m using to make booking decisions clearer and more sustainable: time (including lead-up), date, travel math, cost and pricing, and the all-important vibe check. I also share simple scripts for turning down weddings quickly, kindly, and confidently, plus how to stop negotiating with yourself after you’ve already said no.

If you’re a wedding pro, a business owner, or just someone trying to protect your time, this one’s for you. Subscribe, share the episode with a friend who needs boundaries, and leave a review so more people can find the show.

Transcript

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Welcome And Why No Matters

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Welcome to the wedding where with officiating by Amanda. The Wedding Where I had to say no. Hi friends and welcome back to The Wedding Wear, a podcast where we listen, we don't judge, we talk about weddings and wedding ceremonies, we laugh a little, and hopefully we learn a little. I'm Amanda, I'm an wedding officiant. I've been doing this for 13 years now. And this episode is one that has been surprisingly difficult for me to learn over the years, which has been saying no. Really a tough concept in my world because I am a yes girl. And when I meet with a lot of couples, that's even part of the pitch. You will hear me say yes and to what you want in your ceremony and what you want for your day. But more and more I have found myself saying no, or I can't, or it's not feasible. So I'm gonna kind of break this down. It's kind of a compilation of a few recent weddings that I've done or have been in talks to do. And honestly, I should have started saying no years back. We covered some of that in the episode where the groom had a black eye that I showed up and I personally didn't feel safe. Should have said no right then and there. But I didn't. And I have so many more times throughout my career that I should have said no between staying later at weddings than I should have, or arriving earlier, helping with things that weren't my forte or weren't in my wheelhouse. I've said yes and then left and said, I'm never doing that again.

When Yes Becomes Too Costly

SPEAKER_00 2:32

And it hasn't been until recently, as I've been trying to balance my professional life, my personal life, the baby on the way, and all of the things that I like to do that give me a release that I've found myself saying no more often. And when I look back right now at some of the things I've said yes to over the years, I laugh. Can you travel three hours each way? Yep, sure can. Can you squeeze in a last-minute consultation because we want to get married this weekend? Absolutely. Will you drive across the state on a weekday for a 20-minute ceremony? Oh, and by the way, we don't have a large budget. I really can only pay in food. Of course, I can probably make that work. Can't we adjust the package, change the timeline, reschedule the consultation call four or five times, have multiple revisions to the quote, and do every level of customization to the ceremony. Yes. Those have been my answers. And at times those have been very costly answers as I've built out this business to make everyone happy and to make it work out.

Time Tracking And Hidden Labor

SPEAKER_00 4:07

And it's only really been the past few years that I've really done financial accounting of the time spent. And since I started working at my new primary job, kind of using $25 an hour as a measure of time spent and realizing, oh yeah, there are certainly weddings I do that, even though they are marketed as small, simple, quick, easy by the couple, it doesn't necessarily translate that way when the day of comes. And what would have maybe been billed at two and a half to three hours of work from consult, scripting, rehearsal, ceremony, license follow-up, and you know, completion was actually closer to four or five hours. And I don't have a great way to backbill. And, you know, I used to laugh when people would say time is money, but that was because I found myself with a lot of time and not always a lot of money. And I'm now finding myself with less and less time. So there really is more of a value coming into play with me on just how valuable the time I spend is. So I'm learning that sometimes the most professional answer, the healthiest answer, is saying no. No, I can't officiate your wedding. No, unfortunately, traveling to that location is not going to be possible. No, I will not be in person for your rehearsal. And sometimes the no should just stand alone, but sometimes I think it should be followed up with because it doesn't make sense, because that wasn't what was in your quote, and have that level of transparency. But honestly, sometimes it's just a no because I don't feel like it. And that's rough to kind of say out to couples. So I'm really just working straight to no. And it's hard to say no. It's harder to say no than it was learning how to officiate a wedding, fill out a license, and craft a really good ceremony. Why is this suddenly more of a life and a reality?

Pregnancy Forces New Boundaries

SPEAKER_00 7:00

Well, because I'm pregnant. And it's had a funny way of forcing me to really re-evaluate things, as most people do when they have changes to their family or their life or its structure. I mean, I started this podcast because I had no primary nine to five job and had time and wanted to have a creative outlet while also keeping myself busy, keeping myself happy. So every time that there's switch up in life, you're gonna find yourself questioning, why am I doing this? Or is this still worth it? And for me, that's that's been the pregnancy and the baby. But there's demands on me now. How long I sit, how long I stand. I don't know if you guys can hear it, but I'm starting to run out of breath. And I used to be the queen of run-on sentences where I could talk for five whole minutes without possibly even taking a long breath. And that is not the case these days. Thanks, baby. Different considerations. Where am I traveling to again? Is it uh summer and hot outside and I'm seven months pregnant, standing in a black dress in the summer heat? Where am I getting food from? A lot of times in my travels, I just would go and not eat. Nope, can't do that anymore. Can I physically do three weddings in a weekend? Not just from a timing logistics, but am I okay to do it? Or am I tired? Sometimes looking at my vehicle, who has also had some breakdowns this past year. Can my car handle it? What time do I have to wake up in the morning? What time will I be home at night? Things that I didn't think about too much when I started, and certainly not when I was single, but now I want to get home to my husband. And I know that once my child is here, I want to get home to my baby. So trying not to book out my life too much in 2027, 2028, where I'm spending days away would be ideal. For years, my thought process was like, I can make it work. Let me plot it out. How can I make it work? In fact, I wouldn't say yes or no to a couple if they inquired about an already booked date. My first question was, what is your ceremony start time and what is your location? Because I'm going to lay this out to make sense and still try to do both ceremonies. And now my thought process is more should I make this work? Do I want to make this work? Is it feasible and reasonable of me and my time to make this work?

Could You Do It Vs Should You

SPEAKER_00 10:12

And sometimes it's a resounding, no, it's not. A five-minute elopement is not worth driving an hour away. There's probably somebody else local. If you know of a friend, find a friend. I will, you know, help them. I will train them up. That is more valuable on my time than one hour travel one way for a five-minute elopement and then hour travel back. I think a lot of vendors struggle with this, but certainly if I'm wrong because you are a wedding vendor, please sound off. Please tell me what it is. I think a lot of it comes from my background in higher ed, where we always did more bless, and you showed up at 5 a.m. on move-in day to move all the students in with a smile and a cheer. And you did the entire semester on that same string of energy until graduation came where you worked until 2 a.m. to put together all the final pieces. And when you go and go and go like that for nine to 10 months out of the year, you just don't know any other way to be. I also know that I struggle with it from my background, but I struggled when I was newer and when I was growing the business because I wanted to say yes to every booking. I wanted to make everyone happy. I wanted to grow and I wanted the clients to come along for the ride. You look at those first outreaches, those inquiries, and go, well, yeah, technically I can do that. I I could leave at 5 a.m. Nothing's stopping me. I could drive for three hours. I could balance it in between my already scheduled appointments, my work day. Oh gosh, the number of times that I would drive an hour between 7 and 8 a.m. and then work remotely for three hours. And then I would take a half hour break just to drive. And I would call it my bouncing days. And I would slowly bounce down to the location that I had to be at at four or five o'clock for a wedding to do a 15-minute wedding and then bounce my way back home. Technically, I could answer emails at midnight, especially when I promised I'd get something to a couple, a quote or a script. Let me tell you, the baby that required afternoon naps and afterwork naps and post-dinns was not letting me get to the things that I promised I would be doing. And that was really rough to come to terms with. And while technically I could do all of those things over the time the years, should I do it? If I send an email at midnight, is it gonna have the couple's correct name? Or am I gonna screw that up and I should function and work on it when I'm more awake? Yes, I could do three weddings in a day, but would I be at my best? Or am I likely to treat each couple very similarly and get them just the basics? Will I enjoy it? Will I leave happy? Or will I be running out the door because I have to eat, I need to get home, I'm tired. Will I get a good review and the couples get the best version of me for their big day? Am I saying yes because I'm afraid to say no? All are very hard questions that I've had to work with. And if you've listened to the podcast for a while, you've heard me joke about my early years, my lovingly will work for food era, where I took on every wedding, every experience, every opportunity. And it it worked for me then. That was the hustle that built my business. I learned a lot. I met incredible couples. I've got the stories that you've heard over this past year and a half on the podcast. And that's because younger Amanda said yes to pretty much anything and everything. Should I give a speech while drunk? Yes. Yes, you should. Should I help the father, the bride, put a tie on? Yes. Should I be a bartender? Yes. Should I do a prison wedding? Yes. But growth requires boundaries. And my newest boundary requires saying no.

The Five Filters For New Work

SPEAKER_00 15:04

So now I've got some things that I take more into account that my gosh, even six months ago, I didn't. So please take off this with a newer grain of salt. Do I actually have time? Time's the biggest one. And that's not just time on the calendar or time between weddings. It's emotionally, it's physically. It's do I have room in my head, in my binder, in my anything for this wedding? And not just the day of, but all the lead up, all the preparation. If I put it on my calendar right now, when I am plum busy, am I going to send that email to the couple to remind them that they are getting married in two months? Two months from now, I might have time to do the physical wedding. But if I'm not able to give my best in the lead up, what am I doing? The date. Honestly, this should have been something that had a lot of sway beforehand, but it really didn't because I would find a way to make anything work. Even if I already had a wedding, I still would have the conversation. Even if I know of somebody who's probably more local to the couple who could do the wedding, I still didn't want to give it up until I made sure I couldn't make it work. I canceled out on family events because I'd rather get paid and be at a wedding. I've moved heaven and earth of my personal schedule, my work schedule, even doctor's appointments and at times my health to make dates work. Weekends that I had taken off just for me suddenly are filled with console calls and weddings. And I'm really trying hard to learn that I deserve space in my personal life, deserve space. Weddings are a part of my life, not my entire life. And that's been hard. The third thing I now find myself really thinking about is travel. I do love travel and I love seeing new places. I love new venues. I love listening to the radio and just relaxing in the car. Like I do some great decompression when I drive. So physical travel, no longer a problem to me. However, my sweet, sweet car, my wonderful savvy the Subi, is very much on her last legs. And that's getting to be more and more of a reality because every time I travel now for a wedding, I have to put in a little extra time just in case she wants to break down or as a little hissy fit. And that makes things a little more stressful. I also have to think about now the travel plus the time in together. That is three hours of driving. It is gas and tolls and parking. It's an entire day blocked off for possibly one wedding, no matter what the price tag on the wedding is. Is it worth it? Am I going to feel relieved at the end? Am I going to feel excited? Am I going to be stressed trying to get myself out the door the entire time? If my husband's listening to this, he will tell you yes. No matter how much I love what I do, I still stress the heck out five minutes before I walk out of the door of the house because I'm trying to think if I remembered everything I need, if I've got all the pieces to go from one wedding to the next. Sometimes the math doesn't math. And it's really the travel math at times that really doesn't math.

Pricing, Discounts, And Real Value

SPEAKER_00 19:09

Cost is the hardest one to kind of talk about, because it's money, and you shouldn't do it for love of money. No one is getting rich being inefficient. Though if you are, please hit me up. Love to learn your tips and tricks. But in my world, no, certainly not in this to get rich. This is the extra walking around money. This is helping to pay for some trips or travel. This is so that I can do the fun things I want to do without taking away from family needs or house budget or stuff like that. For years, I bent over backwards to make my services fit into a quote that fit into any budget presented with. And I get that weddings are expensive. I know that. And I know it should not be insane to have somebody sign off on a piece of paper for you. That part I'm right there with. But I think I need to do a little bit better explaining to some couples that it's unless you're doing the true paperwork package, it's not just a signature that you're paying for. You're paying for the personality, the time, the scripting, the caboodle, the services, day of, the lead up, the follow-up. Because every time I give a discount, it comes off from me. Every deck reduction that I do, where I end up still doing a 10-minute ceremony, even though I only quoted at five, that's a loss for me. It's less flexibility, even though it seems flexible to the couple, and it's less sustainable. And while I will probably never get to the place that my father-in-law would like me to get to, where I charge $1,000 a wedding, because that's an overestimation of what a signature is worth. Anytime I adjust significantly what the pricing is, it's an undervalue of the work.

Vibe Checks And Mutual Respect

SPEAKER_00 21:30

Last one is vibe. And actually, this one is the one I don't have the hardest of time saying no to, mainly because I kind of don't outright say no. There's a little bit of ghosting that happens, or at times it is if the vibe is off from the console call, it's reflected in the quote. Like, I Really feel it, but if you really want me, uh yeah, it'll be this much. I won't say I I overprice or overcharge, it's not like that. It's just uh I don't I can't even explain it. It's like that X factor. It does go into account like some couples and I, we just aren't the right fit. And even though I may be available their day, they're local, I'm within budget, knowing that I won't be able to be for them what they need or express that they need because I need to radically change myself or bend over significantly backwards. I I just it's not what I want to be doing anymore. I've certainly done it in the past, but I've learned that the best weddings happen when everyone involved is excited to work together when I show up and I'm treated like a person and respectfully. And sometimes I know that on the console call, other times I don't, but I've gotten a little better at picking up on which couples are going to look at this as just a service, just a vendor that they're paying for versus hi, I'm me, I'm an actual human. I had a really great one the other day, great example of this, I should say, where I'd mentioned in passing, like, oh yep, I'll be on my way, you know, just gotta let let the let the baby kick the bladder a few more times. Something not I'm pregnant, but very in passing that acknowledged I was expecting. And when I was down at the end of the aisle with the groom, he said, Hey, I know that you normally slide out of the way for, you know, kisses and everything. He goes, I just want to let you know it's really marshy behind us here. So if you don't slide out of the way, like please don't worry about it. Like you do you, you feel comfortable. You know, we want you safe. I can tell you that not every couple has had that level of care or thought or compassion for myself or for other vendors. So it was really great to hear it, but it just resolidified to me that, like, yeah, this couple hit the vibe check. Like, they're good people and they want the good things. And I, that's why I've traveled out two hours to work with them.

Scripts For Saying No Clearly

SPEAKER_00 24:39

So, how to actually say no. I don't ever want people to think I'm saying no because I'm rude or I don't care, or I'm not grateful for the opportunity to think about their wedding or be contacted about their wedding. But like I said before, it doesn't need a lengthy explanation. And I'm trying to get better with letting them know as soon as I know that it's not gonna work. Because again, I've been the person to say yes for so long. I normally try, well, I could maybe make this. And then only after I overlay the time, the distance of travel do I go, yeah, no, that's not gonna work. So I'm trying to get better with just going from the get-go. If I even have to think about where it's located, how much time, it's probably a no. And I need it to be simple. Thank you so much for reaching out. Unfortunately, I'm unable to officiate your wedding. I wish you all the best. That's it. How to mean no is a little bit harder because sometimes I get, well, do you know anybody else? Nope. If I knew somebody else, I would have already kicked them to you. Well, we're we're flexible on the date, the time, the location. Unfortunately, I can't be right now for XYZ. Especially the two months I'm taking off off for maternity leave are probably going to be the hardest to stop me from jumping at every chance to do a wedding, especially while I'm still pregnant, because I'm like, well, can go. I'm sure once the baby's here, I'll be like, ha ha ha, yeah. No, no weddings. Because when you hear back, oh gosh, we wish you still could, or isn't there a way? You start negotiating with yourself. Ah, maybe, or if they would only do it this day, or if they really have flexibility, I I gotta mean no, I have to say it and I have to mean it. So trust your gut on that.

Mean The No And Protect Space

SPEAKER_00 26:49

And I'm hoping that in a post post-baby world, I can come back in with a lot more sense of value than I've had in the past. Because I need to, because I am valuable. My time has value, my energy, my expertise, my presence, the the knowledge. And yours does too, as a fellow vendor out there, if you're listening. Or heck, even just you as a person. Your time is valuable because you are valuable. So if you're a vendor, business owner, a parent, or just someone trying to manage the demands in life, knowing value and worth isn't arrogance, it's recognition. I've officiated almost 300 weddings. I've spent more than a decade learning how to do this. I've built up networks and systems. I have experience, I've problem solved all the things you could imagine. But the ability to decide what works for me is now something I have to really utilize a lot more and be comfortable and confident in saying no or pass. And it's not selfish, it's professional. I might not be everybody's best fit, but maybe I don't need to be everyone's efficient. I just need to have enough people that would call upon me in a year and trust upon me. So in leaving thoughts, no is hard to say. It's hard to mean, it's hard not to go back on. But every yes costs something time, energy, attention, opportunity. And if you're not getting enough back for that yes, whether it is experience, money, engagement, involvement, you're better off saying no, because if you don't, there will be no space left. No space for your family, for your future, for your health, space for things that matter and they only have to matter to you. Please know that they do not have to matter to anybody else. If you continue to say yes and the cost doesn't outweigh the yes, then you're giving up some valuable space. But you're likely to take this for what it's worth, and maybe you say, gosh, Amanda, that's a whole bunch of hooey, and you really need to continue to say yes to the weddings and the opportunities to grow the business. Or maybe you're gonna tell me that I shouldn't have just had a whole episode about saying no to weddings and opportunities because everyone does it and I have to stop being feeling guilty. But uh yeah. So thank you so much for listening in. I didn't know how much I really needed to record this episode and hear myself say no in a wedding-related context several times because I'm so used to saying yes. Until next time, this has been Amanda. Thank you for listening to The Wedding Wear with Officiating by Amanda.

Closing Thoughts And How To Connect

SPEAKER_00 30:22

I hope you enjoyed today's episode and found some inspiration or insight for your own special day. This podcast is hosted on BuzzRout and can be found on all major platforms. If you haven't already, please subscribe, like, comment, and share to help us reach even more listeners who might laugh a little at the wedding wear. For the links referenced in the show, visit Linktree at OfficiatingByAmanda. You can also follow the business on Facebook, WeddingWire and the Knot to stay up to date on everything going on. If you have a question you'd like me to answer on the podcast, just send an email to the WeddingWare Podcast at gmail.com. And if you're ready to inquire about officiating services for your own big day, you can reach me at officiatingbyamanda at gmail.com. Thank you so much for tuning in, and until next time, this has been Amanda.