It Felt Like a Funeral

A wedding can hold more than one truth at once. We walk through a ceremony where grief didn’t just peek in—it shaped the room. From an opening moment of silence and an in‑memory candle to vows that named loss and a unity ritual layered with tokens for loved ones, the choices were heartfelt yet heavy, and the energy turned somber. That experience raises a vital question for any couple: how do you honor those you miss without letting sorrow overshadow the day you’re building together?

I unpack the emotional physics of ceremonies that try to give love and loss equal airtime, and why that balance often tilts toward grief. You’ll hear practical, compassionate options for remembrance that keep joy central: a reserved chair with a flower, a short and purposeful silence, a line of scripture or a poem chosen for hope, quiet keepsakes sewn into outfits or tucked into bouquets, and subtle unity add‑ins that nod to memory without turning the ritual into a eulogy. We also talk about recency of loss, who was lost, and how language can lift a room—because a single sentence can change the arc from mourning to celebration.

Threaded through are personal stories from ceremonies I’ve officiated, including times couples asked for no mention at all and why that boundary is valid. The guiding principle is simple: your loved ones would never want your wedding to become a memorial service. The truest tribute is a day that honors their impact while letting laughter, vows, and dancing lead the way. Listen for ideas you can adapt to your own style, and share the tributes that moved you most—I’m collecting thoughtful ways to help future couples find their balance.

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Chapters

• 0:04 Setting The Scene
• 0:41 Naming Grief In Weddings
• 2:13 When Tribute Becomes The Theme
• 4:33 The Heavy Ceremony Energy
• 6:54 Rituals Of Remembrance
• 9:13 Why The Day Felt So Sad
• 12:22 Writing Memorial With Hope
• 15:02 Personal Stories And Choices
• 18:21 Practical Ways To Honor Quietly
• 21:09 Programs, Tables, And Tokens
• 22:46 Core Principle: Keep Joy Central
• 24:22 Listener Invite And Next Topic
• 24:56 Wrap Up And How To Connect

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:04

Welcome to the Wedding Wear with officiating by Amanda. The Wedding Wear it felt like a funeral. Welcome back to The Wedding Wear, a podcast where we reflect on some of the wonderful, weird, wild, wacky weddings that I've been fortunate enough to be a part of as a wedding efficient. Sometimes we walk into a ceremony expecting all the love, all the joy, all the celebration, woot-woot. And then there's something going on underneath the surface that changes things. And if we're watching it in movies and TV shows, it's often, you know, the expo that came back into the picture. But in real life, I've at times found it being grief just below the surface. Today's episode is the wedding where it felt like a funeral. I'm going to start by saying it: grief is real. It is never going away. You get yourself a bigger jar, but the size of the grief stays the same. And there's even moments like special days, weddings, anniversaries, birthdays, new family members coming in where it feels larger than the glass that you're holding it in. Loss is universal. And so it's so typical to want to honor the people that we've loved and lost at a wedding in natural ways and meaningful ways. And at times it can be very, very healing. But there's also a balance that needs to be found with that because the strong emotion that is grief, playing in line with the equally strong emotion of love or joy gets really tough to balance out, to honor loved ones who aren't with us, but to celebrate the love that's right in front of us and do both of them justice. And obviously, depending on how recent a loss is or who has been lost, those all take a lot of weight into account. But it's a lot. So some things have been very, very fresh. There have been moments of silences, candles lit, prayers, subtle mentions within the script, or sometimes the couple doesn't want it acknowledged at all because it is too fresh, because it does hurt, because they don't want the joy in the celebration of the day overshadowed by even a mention of the inner sorrow that's going on. There was one wedding that I did, though, where the grief was so present, it was carried in every sense of the ceremony. And I think a lot of that was because the couple didn't want to just have one mention and reference. Like they almost felt guilty for having the option of joy, and they wanted it very equally balanced within the ceremony. So for every, it is so wonderful that you love each other, and we are so excited to be here today, had to be met with a, but we acknowledge the loss and kind of a somber for every high coming back to that low. And that's not typical in a lot of the weddings I do. A lot of times there's only one space that we want to take to acknowledge the grief, the loss, the pain, but then continue forward into the celebration and the love. And the bride had lost an incredibly close friend about two years previously. And again, this was someone who would have been her maid of honor. And so that was felt. That was right there. The groom had had some losses, his father, probably in his his teens and younger childhood, and recently, probably about two months before the wedding, his grandfather. So it was a it was a lot. And it really did form an emotional gravity around the day. Now, I don't know if maybe there hadn't been a memorial service for the grandfather. And this was kind of everybody getting together for the first time since that passing. And so additionally doing the like, oh, it's so great to see you. It's been so long. But you're also doing that, oh, this is the first time we had the opportunity to share our grief and be together. And it just so happens to be at a wedding. But even without without anyone knowing what was in the script or how many times we were going to make reference and mention to overcoming love, um, overcoming loss with love, I should say, the energy was just heavy. It was sad. I saw a lot more tears than normally, and weddings are pretty tearful events. Things were quiet, things were soft, things were hesitant. And while weddings often have a lot of emotions with them, these emotions were different. There was a sorrow towards everybody walking down the aisle. You almost thought maybe one of the members, you know, maybe somebody was sick. I don't know. You see YouTube videos of individuals with stage four cancer who decide to get married, and you would think that those would be very somber events, you know, kind of a final wish before you go. And they seem to have more of an uplifting spirit than this wedding had. So knowing that that was the vibe felt even as I walked in, I could really understand the couple's choices in scripting and that they were still very, very tight in their grieving and that that was going to be carrying forward. So we opened the ceremony with a moment of silence. I do this somewhat often and when asked, and it's incredibly meaningful. And I normally start with, you know, we're here to celebrate love. We're here to celebrate this beautiful couple. We would be remiss, though, if we did not acknowledge at the start that there are those that we are missing today and that we've loved them and lost them. And so we're gonna, we're gonna take that time, we're gonna give that space. After the moment of silence, we lit an in-memory candle that was lit throughout the whole rest of the ceremony and very symbolic to the couple. They wrote their own vows and they included lines about supporting each other through the losses. And it wasn't just a brief mention of, like, you know, I take you in sickness and health, or I love you in good times and in bad times and through all the hurt and pain. It was pretty significant that their vows spoke to the losses that they've had and being there for one another with it. They then opted to do a unity ceremony with sand. And in consulting with them, I'm like, okay, cool. This is where we talk about them blending their lives together and how cool that is, that they're still the individuals. They came up with very beautiful, symbolic, and thoughtful elements to add into the sand ceremony to represent those who passed. So they put down bigger stones first to symbolize their parents and their grandparents who had been the bedrock of their life together. They then poured their individual sand. And then they topped it off with some of the tokens and the little mementos that were of their friends or other family members that had supported them along the way who aren't here anymore. So kind of from start to stop in memoriam, really different for a wedding. Grief wasn't a footnote. It was the theme, I would almost say. And they weren't, they weren't just honoring their loved ones. They were still very deep in active grief. And it changed the whole tone of the day. It is probably one of the saddest weddings I've ever been to. And I've been to weddings where I myself have cried like the day, the touch points in memory, there were a lot of them. And the guests were also deep in the well of grief. And it just was a sad, sad day. Weddings are, as we said, very, very emotional, and they bring up every major life transition that you've ever experienced. And when you have someone who's been there for the other milestone moments that isn't there for this milestone moment, that absence feels louder. I discussed it with the bride Amanda and hers about the wedding where I cried that her father was, you know, going to walk her down the aisle, all intents and purposes, but he had passed when she was a kid. So we worked in how to best incorporate. And Amanda won was very clear of like, I don't want it to be like a sad thing. Like it wasn't, let's make it something that we acknowledge he should have been here to walk me down, but that he's not, but we're okay. And so we had a really interesting line about her brother-in-law walked her down the aisle. And we had a line about her father would be proud of the men that his daughters chose, you know, kind of giving himself a little pat in the back there. And there's a lot of ways that you can word beautiful memorial sentiments to meet the theme that you want it to, whether it's sadness and joy, remembrance, hope, perseverance, any of those things, we can do a lot with wording to make those come through. Maybe it's your best friend that was supposed to help you plan the wedding. And I did that when I actually knew the bride through her best friend, who had been a family friend of ours. And I had been a kid when her best friend had passed. And I'll I'll work to try and get her on the podcast because it's it's absolutely beautiful. That will be another one where we will cry. But when I got on the consult call with her, I basically told her, I want to make this wedding work with your budget, with my schedule, with whatever we can do, because I was deeply impacted when the family friend, her best friend, had passed away. And she said that she couldn't think of anything better than having me officiate the wedding because she felt like it was another touch for her best friend being there, was that I was someone who knew her. So getting me there. Just there's a lot of ways to build in memory aspects and to rightfully honor the individuals based off of where they were in life, who they were in life to you, their age, their situation, their circumstances. It's why a lot more kind of funerals for elderly individuals are being called celebrations of life, because when you get to advanced ages and when you've seen all you can see, when you've been pretty much signed your DNR and said, I'm I'm good to go. Yes, there's a lot to be grief, but there shouldn't be such deep sorrow. You lived a life to quote, to quote, Chairman of the board, you lived a life that was full and good. You did it your way. There should be a celebration in that. And maybe I'm the weirdo that I even try to make funerals more celebratory than sad, but there's just there's a lot more hope that comes out of joy. Things I've learned. There's no one right way to grieve, there's no one right way to honor somebody, there's no, well, you have to do this within your wedding ceremony in order to appease the ancestors or honor somebody and honor them well. You might not mention them at all. Their name might be written on the bottom of your shoe because you want to carry them with you. You could pin their picture to your bouquet and not do a moment of silence, just keeping on the day, but knowing that if you look down quick, you had to see their face looking at you. There's no right way. But something I will say as an officiant and as someone who has lost family members, lost friends, lost students and classmates and a whole litany. Your loved ones would never want for your wedding to become a memorial service. They would probably be honored to be acknowledged, but they do not want to overshadow your joy. They gave you life, they were a part of your life so that you could live life. And if the sh shoes were on the other feet, especially for someone like a best friend or a classmate who's your own age, think about what you would want for them if you were the one unable to be there. You wouldn't want them crying. You would want them laughing. You would want them having fun. You would love for a moment, you'd love for a thought, but you'd love them to be ready and to be accepting this next adventure in their life with a full heart and open arms and a smile and joy. I it just now actually hit me. I'd love to show you all my bullet point script for this to show you that it's nowhere in this script and it's literally coming to me on the fly. But I think about the moment in Step Mom. Beautiful movie. I recommend you go see it. And it's toll spoilers if you haven't seen it, but Susan Sarandon's character has terminal cancer, and she's the mom of two kids. And Julia Roberts is the soon-to-be wife of the ex-husband of the father. And so she's going to be the stepmom. And there's a conversation that happens about Julia Roberts saying, picture, picture your daughter's wedding day 10, 15 years from now, and you're gone. And I'm there with her fixing her veil and telling her that no bride has ever looked more beautiful. And my biggest fear is that in that moment, she's going to be thinking, I wish my mom was here. And Susan Sarandon just looks at her and says, And my biggest fear is that she won't. Absolutely beautiful, poignant. Glad I brought it up for this episode because it fits well. Like, put yourself in that shoe. What would you want for somebody else's big day if you couldn't be there for it? You'd want the joy. How do we strike that balance? How do we honor and acknowledge and grieve and those that we love, but also lean back into the love and laugh and joy and make sure that there's a party and not make it feel as gloomy as this wedding that I did. So here are some ways that I have found. And one of my biggest recommendations is do not at all find one or two that speak the most to who your person was or your people were. If you even want to do that. Again, there's nothing wrong with saying this is a day of love and celebration, and I don't, I'm carrying them with me in spirit. I don't need to acknowledge it anywhere else. Or if the loss is too fresh or too deep, don't do it. I've had brides and couples who have had recent losses of their parents and have said, please don't. It it would just hurt a lot. I'm just trying to get through the day. And I want this to be a day, remember, of smiles and laughter and joy. And I will think about my missing parent in a different space or as I'm getting ready, or at the end of the night, I don't want to do it in the middle of the ceremony. Totally fine. So here are some options: an empty chair reserved in the front row, flowers or a photo. And I've seen it done really, really well, especially if it's parent, where the members of the bridal party, because they grew up with the couple or they are family members as well, each kind of take a moment to pause on the way down, either support the back of that chair, like, you know, oh, tapping a shoulder, you'd be here, placing a flower. Yeah, can be really, really powerful. It's a quiet acknowledgement, but it is absolutely stunning. Moment of silence, very short, but purposeful. And it can be for those that aren't here, period, whether that is because they are ill and unable to attend, or because they have passed, or because time and distance and flights and travel situations just didn't work out. It's taking a minute to acknowledge anybody who you might be missing today because they aren't here. A prayer or scripture reading. I've done a lot of the Lord's prayer in memory of individuals who've passed. If they've got a favorite verse, including that as well, a reading in their honor, sometimes delivered by one of their family members or a sibling that was close to them. That was a wedding I did recently. The bride and groom had asked not to have mention of the bride's late mother. They wanted to kind of keep the day light. And they said that they were going to have the bride's uncle do a reading. Now, nobody talked with the bride's uncle and said, Hey, don't, you know, just kind of do your reading. The couple knows what it means, but we don't want to delve into Kind of that it is in memory of your late sister. The uncle did it anyway. And I think it was great that he did. Like I was under agreement with the couple. I signed contracts and they didn't want it. I wasn't going to add it. But I think it was really great that he did. And he's not under the same contracts that I was. It was really beautiful. If you're already planning on doing a unity, there's a ton of little add-ins that can happen, whether that's rocks in your sand ceremony or lighting an additional side candle in addition to your unity candle, flowers and flowers coming together, dove releases, butterfly releases, something very visual, but also symbolizing that growth and that freedom of spirit and soul. You can wear something of theirs. And whether or not you have me acknowledge that in the ceremony is totally up to you. But then you know that you've got a piece of them. When I got married, the necklace that I wore was actually the style of it was called The Ruth. And that was my grandmother's name. And I got married in a wedding dress with pieces from my mom's dress and my grandmother's dress. So very nice to have put in together, but we did not do a total O-O-T-D for my wedding. So those were silent little mementos for just me. Sometimes you want it acknowledged in the program in loving memory of, or a bigger memory table that everyone's looking at as time goes by and as they're walking into the reception or walking out of. And the love between you and your partner and how you're building your lives together. So, in short, real, real short, and again, I'm by no means an expert. I'm not a counselor. You're allowed to include your loved ones, any loved one, anyone at all. Weddings are emotional, go ahead and bundle the emotions. But the ceremony should not become a memorial. They wouldn't want that. It should be about your marriage and the beginning of your marriage. Focus on the love that you were building. And the tone matters. And the time also matters. If it is too fresh of a wound, that's okay. We don't have to. Nothing says you have to. If you feel like it's not for public consumption, we don't need to. It's okay. You can honor the past without losing sight of the future. So this wedding, it felt like a funeral. I don't necessarily think it was sad. I just think that the grief was real and present, and the balance was off. And so I would recommend for everyone find your own balance, figure out what works, combine the laughter and the tears, as I normally try do in weddings. If you're planning a wedding or if you got married, you know, tell me what did you do to honor those that you loved and lost? I'd love to hear more options. I'd love to think about other unique ways I can present to couples so that they can really pick something that's fitting to who they are and to who the person was. I know this one was kind of a bummer. My next one's not a bummer. Next week, we're gonna talk about kind of some of the background for my winter wedding claws, but just in general, weather ruining weddings. So stay tuned for that. Thank you so much. And until next time, this has been Amanda. Thank you for listening to The Wedding Wear with Officiating by Amanda. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and found some inspiration or insight for your own special day. This podcast is hosted on Buzzsprout and can be found on all major platforms. If you haven't already, please subscribe, like, comment, and share to help us reach even more listeners who might laugh a little at the wedding wear. For the links referenced in the show, visit Linktree at OfficiatingByAmanda. You can also follow the business on Facebook, WeddingWire, and The Knot to stay up to date on everything going on. If you have a question you'd like me to answer on the podcast, just send an email to the WeddingWare Podcast at gmail.com. And if you're ready to inquire about officiating services for your own big day, you can reach me at officiatingbyamanda at gmail.com. Thank you so much for tuning in, and until next time, this has been Amanda.