They Said it Wasn't a Wedding

We share the story of a couple who wanted a full wedding while telling most vendors it was a “family brunch,” and how that choice created confusion, stress, and last-minute improvising. Practical advice follows on budgeting ethically, setting priorities, and being transparent so vendors can deliver.

• why mislabeling events breaks logistics and trust
• how wedding pricing reflects staffing, risk, and prep
• simple swaps to cut costs without cutting joy
• when to choose micro weddings, elopements, or off-peak dates
• the value of a coordinator and clear timelines
• contract updates to protect against scope creep
• honesty with vendors as the easiest savings
• setting priorities to align vision and budget

If you haven't already, please subscribe, like, comment, and share to help us reach even more listeners who might laugh a little at the wedding wear
For the links referenced in the show, visit Linktree at OfficiatingBy Amanda
You can also follow the business on Facebook, Weddingwire, and then not to stay up to date on everything going on
If you have a question you'd like me to answer on the podcast, just send an email to the WeddingWare Podcast at gmail.com
And if you're ready to inquire about officiating services for your own big day, you can reach me at officiatingbyamanda at gmail.com

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Premise
• 1:14 Not A Surprise Wedding Clarified
• 2:12 Booking Details And Expectations
• 5:40 Arrival To A “Non‑Wedding”
• 7:28 The Venue’s Side Of The Story
• 9:10 DJ And Photographer Confusion
• 11:30 Why Wedding Service Costs More
• 14:10 Adapting On The Fly
• 16:50 Budget, Ethics, And Transparency
• 20:10 Contract Changes And Lessons

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:04

Welcome to the wedding where with a fish eating by Amanda. The wedding where they said it wasn't a wedding. Welcome back to The Wedding Wear, a podcast where we talk about the wild, the wonderful, the weird, the you're not gonna believe this moments that I've experienced from real weddings. I'm your host, Amanda. I'm a wedding officiant storyteller. And after almost 250 weddings, I've seen almost everything you can imagine at a ceremony, knock on wood, because I'm sure that now I've written it into being, something totally unique is going to come up. But there's just a few ones that I would have never thought that they were happening. They just seemed so surreal. And I get some of them, the logic, the method behind the madness. But yeah. And this is one of them. Today's episode is the wedding where they said it wasn't a wedding. And before you kind of cozy up and go, this is going to be about surprise weddings or surprise elopements where the guests aren't in the know that they're at a wedding, you know, so therefore the couple said, You're not coming to a wedding. That's a whole different episode that we'll get into because, yeah, totally, totally different realm. This episode is about a couple who wanted a wedding. All the guests knew that they were invited to a wedding, which is what makes it very different from a surprise wedding. And I knew it was going to be a wedding. Obviously, I'm a wedding officiant. But they told their other vendors that it wasn't a wedding. Spoiler alert, it did not go as they intended it to. A few years back, a couple reached out to me with a really wonderful love story of how they met and fell in love, and they were each other's biggest supports in the dark, dark moments. And now they're engaged, they're ready to take the next step. They had a date, they had a venue, they needed an officiant, and everything seemed really straightforward. I even knew the venue that they chose, which is really, really nice. It's really a beautiful space. It has like a kitchen, so they can do in-house catering. It has a few like get ready spaces, it has a ballroom, and it has like a little side chapel area. And I think also an outside area for outdoor weddings, though I haven't done one outdoors there yet. But it doesn't, it's not only a wedding venue. It lends itself to baby showers and bridal showers and birthday parties, memorial luncheons, class reunions, and yes, weddings. So they have packages of all different shapes, sizes, and kinds. It's good to keep that in mind. When I met with the couple, they gave me all of the normal information, but they were very particular over and over again about letting me know well, it's a it's a small wedding. It's not a super formal wedding. It's how many, how much would you charge for like 20 guests? Or what if we don't do vows? And I kind of had to let them know that I don't charge by people. It's actually a typical question I get. I charge on content, length of ceremony, any inclusions or need things. So you need your three legal lines, you need your license. That can get done in a minute and a half. You want to go up to five minutes or 10 minutes. They did want some really strong pieces about their lives together and they wanted some strong religious aspects. So they were up to 15 minutes. And I'm like, okay, that's yeah. Okay. That's kind of what you're getting. Doesn't matter if I'm speaking to 100 people or 12 people. In fact, sometimes it's harder to speak to 12 people. Same energy, same prep. And they're like, oh, makes total sense. They booked, everything was normal, no issues. They weren't gonna do a rehearsal. They didn't have anyone as a day of coordinator, which is something I definitely recommend for couples trying to pull together weddings. Just someone to help you bring out all the pieces and like that those last two weeks and then carry it through the execution so that no one has to carry more than they think they should as a vendor. But anywho, no instructions or in introductions to the other vendors, but that's typical as well. I don't normally know unless I've been to a venue before or a couple discloses who their DJ is or asked me for recommendations and says, Oh, yeah, we booked with them. I don't know what we're going with. So I walk in every time, just like I do, ready to meet my fellow vendor friends and get everything rocking and rolling. And I show up ahead of time to do this because I like coming up with the logistics, making sure if they don't have something covered, I can take care of it, or vice versa. And every time I'd ask the couple, like, oh, you know, when I get on site, they're like, yep, yep, everything's good. It's just really small, like really easy. Okay. Yeah, there's a reason for that. So I show up to the venue and I'm picturing that it's gonna be like it is before, you know, with the day of person from the venue, the wait staff, the Maitre D all running around working to get the catering done, the photographer, maybe a second shooter, maybe a videographer. Again, in my mind, it's a wedding. Nothing. It was quiet. Very quiet, with the exception of hearing the bride in one of the side rooms and the groom in one of the other side rooms. Almost no venue staff. Very little set up in the chapel space for a ceremony, given what you might think it would be. The ballroom isn't prepared. I mean, like the half wall's up. They only had half the ballroom. And when I do find my one friend, a staff member, looks really, really frazzled. I'm like, oh, what's going on? And she goes, Are you here for the wedding that's not a wedding? I'm like, Yes, I'm the minister for the wedding that's not a wedding. And she goes, That's really fun. I said, This is a lot different. And she explained to me that in booking, the couple had booked for half of the ballroom for what they called a family reunion brunch, and that they booked 30 minutes in the chapel for a, you know, family meeting, hurrah, kind of celebrate, uh, auditorium kind of esque, and then to go into brunch. And that they booked one of the kind of get ready spaces they said for everyone to put their quote stuff. Nothing was ever said about this being a wedding to the venue. Nothing. But there you have the bride in a gorgeous dress, hair done, makeup done, attendants, bridesmaids, groomsmen, and they now are in a second get ready room that they hadn't booked, but where else were they going to go? The bride was a little annoyed that the whole entire ballroom wasn't ready for them to use, that the partition wall was still up and was explained. Well, you booked for this many guests, and you said it's a reunion brunch. You didn't say anything about dancing, you didn't say anything about needing additional space or more than a food table and a table for quote family pictures, which was what they were using for their card table. It was absolutely wild to me. I just stood there and went, oh, oh my. Great, fantastic, cool. But maybe it's only the venue that doesn't know. No, no, no. The DJ that was booked did not know. He was again told that it was going to be a family reunion and was told, oh, it's a celebration of their engagement. He had some inklings though, probably about a week before when he got some of the song requests and they seemed very wedding-based, like, oh, and for the father-daughter dance. Oh, for the couple dancing. But there were other elements too that didn't have him batting an eye, like, oh, we're doing an anniversary dance, you know, everybody who's married of the family we want out on the floor. But yeah, the couple booked these services and said they're not wedding yet expected, wedding level service. And that's that's where this really kind of digs in at me is I know that the wedding industry is a lot, a lot of money, but there's additional considerations that go in when you book somebody for a wedding. There's additional risk, there's additional accommodations that need to be made. There's more stress to kind of plan for. If you just said, Oh, it's a family reunion, oh, cool. Maybe grandma is a little stressed out. Maybe, you know, the aunt that's planning is a little engrossed, but it's not the same as could be expected with a wedding. And the bride, like, that's the other part that really, really gets me is that they work to try to beat the system, you know, ball on a budget and say, oh, it's not a wedding, it's a this. Where if they had honestly just spoken with each vendor and said, hey, we want it simple. We want still some beautiful aspects to it, but realistically, we we don't want the full kit and caboodle, or we do not have the budget to pay for the full kit and caboodle, even though we want it. What could this look like? They were already getting married on a Sunday mid-morning because of the price difference. If you don't pay for like the white glove full day of wedding service in any of your realms, you shouldn't be expected to get it because wedding level service is more staff for the ceremony, timelines planned out, vendors and multiple vendors who will then coordinate with each other, making sure you've got time in the space before, during, and after for setup, for breakdown, just the whole entire works. It was absolutely wild when I met the photographer. She was again a very lovely person, but also very, very confused. The photographer had been told that it was an engagement celebration with the family. And yeah, they were dressed, suit, wedding ball gown, all to the nines. And everyone kind of had to take a step back and go, gosh, why didn't we ask a few more questions? Like, how did we not pin together that this is actually a wedding? And they were trying to have it be a wedding. But I really don't blame them. The couple went out of their way to use non-wedding specific words. And given that it was a Sunday mid-morning in April, no one's really thinking that this is that. The venue also is one that specializes in other sorts of events. So it's not out of the normal for this to have been a baby shower, a family reunion, something in and of itself. So after getting everything on site and realizing I'm the only one who really knows what's going on here, fully filled in that this is a wedding. I have to be ready to go and step into the Minister Plus realm because the venue doesn't have enough staff for them to be kicking everybody out the door. Nobody has told the DJ that there'd even need to be ceremony music. So we've got to come up with a different plan. And we just had to smile and adapt and pretend like this wasn't one of the most chaotic situations we'd been in. The couple was happy. They were in love. That is really, really great. And it went off fine without a hitch, but to this day, I still look back on this and go, gosh, that was not done well. Like whatever the intention is, we're we're gonna need to do it different and better in the future, friends. I know that weddings are expensive. I paid for one. I know it. But what is needed to go into a wedding is different. The service is different and you want it to be different. If you don't fill people in on really what it is that you dream and wish and want, they are not mind readers. They can't just give it to you. And especially without additional payment and pricing, they won't give you the wedding level support that you're looking for. It's like calling your dentist and saying that you only need a quick checkup and actually like signing off on paperwork that, like, oh, all you need is a quick checkup. And then when you get there and you're in the seat, you disclose to the dentist, oh, I actually do know that I need a full root canal in 20 minutes, but I need you to build my insurance, like it's just a normal checkup rate. They're not prepared for any of that. They're, they might not have the right supplies, materials, the staffing. They you're gonna bounce into their other appointments that they have. It's not fair. Oh, it was a heck and heck of a time. There's a lot of ways to get creative and still be ethical as you look to have a beautiful wedding without like a wedding price package, but you you gotta be willing to give and take a little bit. Anything you saw on Pinterest, if you're balling on a budget, it might not come to pass. There's options like going with a very small intimate wedding package. Most venues will have it. And it might mean that you've got to go with an unconditional time of day or day of the week, but you have to define what's most important. Is it important that you get married on a fall Saturday, or is it important that you are at this venue with the white glove service at a price you are comfortable with? There's ways to do elopements if really the ceremony isn't like the biggest thing for you, but instead it is the after party in the venue. Perfect. Let's go with like a really simple elopement or something just small in your backyard and have everyone ready with their car so that you can go for a big dinner or so that you can do your reception somewhere else. There's micro weddings, if you really want to go with something based upon the number of people and have everything catered to that. My services aren't, but other vendors and other services are based upon that. And the biggest one is just be transparent and honest with your vendors so that everybody can set their set realistic expectations. Transparency doesn't raise your prices, but it it really goes a long way in making sure that you avoid add-ons and additional. I didn't realize that because after this wedding, I made sure to put it in my contract that if I show up for a wedding and it is not as described, like I'm needed to be the day of coordinator, not just a, oh, it'd be nice if you helped, but that's an expectation put upon me. I'm charging you back. And if everyone's in the know, everyone can step in and help out. I have seen so many weddings where everyone knew it was a wedding. And that way when one vendor missed the mark, got sick, something was going on, we all were not only confident and capable in our own realms because we knew what we were doing from the get-go, but we were then able to step in and help out additionally and really make it make sense. That was something I was really happy I was able to do in this case because I knew it was a wedding. I think if I maybe booked my pricing based off of number of guests and I was told, oh, it's a small event, maybe 10, 15 people, and then I showed up and realized it was 100, yeah, I'd have different thoughts and feelings. But since I don't base my pricing on that, it wasn't a curveball to me that there were going to be 120 people at this quote small, quote, family reunion. So, in summarizing, because I could, I could kind of rant for a day. And I I have before, I've talked with a few other vendors who knew this couple. They were not the vendors booked. They were the vendors reached out to by this couple. And when I said, Oh, yeah, I did a wedding that was like not a wedding, they're like, what day was that? Who, who were they? And yeah, some that were still out of the price point, even going with a non-wedding wedding. If you're gonna go with something that isn't super wedding, really, you have to set the expectations to match with your vision and your budget. Don't try to have a champagne wedding on a beer budget. Yeah, it just won't go well. And do not try to get everybody else of the vendor space to conform to your beer budget and tell them you also have beer dreams, but then when we show up, reveal that you have champagne tastes, it will not go well. Book only what you need. Cakes aren't really needed, especially designed three-tier cakes. Go get a sheet cake, you're fine. Plated meals, you know, cocktail hour, extra food, a lot of it's not needed. If you're cutting down costs, but you still want a great experience. Let somebody know and let them help you design it out because there's ways you can go really, really great on a really tight budget. And just be honest, it goes a long way. And I'd rather kick you back some money because you ended up going with something a little lighter than being in the awkward position of having to back charge you because you were not honest up front with what you wanted or what you thought you could use. And you've decided to add a unity ceremony 20 minutes before the ceremony. In that case, I'd probably say no. So we'll say like two weeks before. Like know what you want. Let's talk about it. Let's be honest. Let's be open. Let's chat over different options and be ready to hear if it's that's not gonna be possible. I can stretch to this line, but I can't go past it. Yeah. Thank you so much for listening in. It was a wild, wild time. The wedding that wasn't a wedding. I hope that you enjoyed this story. Have you been in a similar situation where, yeah, somebody at a wedding, a vendor definitely was not clued in that this was a wedding. Like they showed up thinking it was like Nana's 80th birthday party. Next week we're going to be diving into kind of the somber moments in a wedding and how to really make sure that you can honor those that we've loved and lost and aren't able to be with us without making a day of joy and celebration feel like a funeral. Until next time, this has been Amanda. Thank you for listening to The Wedding Wear with Officiating by Amanda. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and found some inspiration or insight for your own special day. This podcast is hosted on Buzzsprout and can be found on all major platforms. If you haven't already, please subscribe, like, comment, and share to help us reach even more listeners who might laugh a little at the wedding wear. For the links referenced in the show, visit Linktree at OfficiatingBy Amanda. You can also follow the business on Facebook, Weddingwire, and then not to stay up to date on everything going on. If you have a question you'd like me to answer on the podcast, just send an email to the WeddingWare Podcast at gmail.com. And if you're ready to inquire about officiating services for your own big day, you can reach me at officiatingbyamanda at gmail.com. Thank you so much for tuning in, and until next time, this has been Amanda.