Friends are Family

What if the most important choice you make for your wedding isn’t the venue or the vows, but who gets a seat in the room? We dig into the real work behind guest lists—why they’re emotional, political, and surprisingly revealing—and how to choose people who protect your peace rather than drain it. From intimate ceremonies where every guest was a friend to larger parties balanced around values, you’ll hear stories that challenge the default assumption that family automatically comes first.

I share a simple “guest list math” that helps you evaluate invites with clarity: presence over time, reciprocity over obligation, and respect for your partner above all. We talk about money with strings attached and the conversations worth having before you accept help. We also get honest about hot-button timing—like weddings near elections—and how to handle strong opinions in mixed company without sacrificing the spirit of your day. These moments aren’t about being ruthless; they’re about being aligned.

If you’re planning now, try a gut-check: who showed up for you, made you laugh through the chaos, and believed in your future together? Those are your people—whether you share a last name or not. You’ll come away with practical strategies, permission to choose peace, and the confidence to build a guest list that reflects who you are as a couple. If this episode resonates, tap follow, share it with someone wrestling their own list, and leave a review to help more couples find a path that fits them.

Chapters

• 0:04 Setting The Theme: Guests
• 1:05 Friends As Chosen Family
• 2:44 The Guest List Math
• 4:16 Must-Haves And Obligations
• 6:07 Why Friends Bring The Magic
• 6:57 Young Couple, No Family Invite
• 10:57 Practical Boundaries And Money Strings
• 13:42 Align Guests With The Couple
• 16:18 Gazebo Elopement With Only Friends
• 18:28 Peace Over Approval
• 20:26 Politics And Party Dynamics

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:04

Welcome to the wedding where with officiating by Amanda. The wedding where it was all friends, no family. Welcome back to the wedding where this is Amanda, and this is a podcast where we celebrate the stories, the unexpected moments and memories, all tied in with saying I do. My name's Amanda, and I'm an officiant. And today's episode is really one that hits across a lot of weddings that I've done in a few different ways and places. And that's guests. So the people that you choose to invite to your special day and what those choices kind of say, how at times we feel obligated for the choices that we make. But by and large, the people that we elect to have stand by our side, who they are and what they mean to us are far more encompassing than the people that we don't necessarily have there. And I've got one wedding I think of in particular because I, it was maybe 10 to 15 guests, and I met them all, hung out in them all. And when I took a step back, I realized not one person said, I'm a parent, I'm a cousin, I'm a sibling, I'm a relative. It was all friends. So that's really kind of the gist of it for today is weddings are often made up by people who aren't family. The friends that stand by you, the coworkers that cheer you on and get to watch the breakdowns as maybe previous relationships have broken down, the neighbors, the bonds that are thicker than blood. And let's face it, friends are more likely to be your own age. They're more likely to be of the same path in life. They're not going to say things like, well, in my day we did this, or surely you must intend to do that. And they can bring more calmness, joy, and stability, which are three things I think everybody is looking for as it gets into the wedding. So if you ever planned a wedding or you even just attended one, think on that for a second. Because you surely know then how much energy goes into the wedding details. And near the very, very top of the list is the guest list. Because the first thing that your venue is going to ask is how many people. And heck, sometimes you are picking the venue based on how many people. And it's not just as easy as pick a number. It's more than names on a spreadsheet. It's politics, it's emotional, it's who can sit next to who and who can't. When my husband and I planned for our wedding, we almost came up with a mathematical equation. Um years known, plus events attended together, plus, you know, were we in their wedding or invited to their wedding? Do we know their significant other's name? Have they been to our house? All of these little things had plus points and then elements like doesn't get along well with XYZ people or some negative points, stressful, dramatic, drunken, or some other negative points. And if you had below a certain score, you weren't getting there. And it's funny because when I think about it, yeah, if we had stuck really, really tight to some of our mathematical equations, it would have been some family members. And for most people, that's who they start with as the must-haves, siblings, parents, grandparents. And then you think of your bridal party. And, you know, if you've got siblings, are you close enough with them that they are in your bridal party? Or are your parents maybe saying, well, of course they have to be your bridesmaid. They're your sister. But then you get into even larger in-family realm and it becomes the relatives you don't see all that often. Traumatic memories from being in junior high and spending a holiday with them. And before you know it, you've got a big, massive list, and you're not really quite sure what to do with it. And you've realized that you've taken care of the immediate family, you've taken care of the best friends and the bridal party. But where you would start to maybe say, oh gosh, I what about my coworker? What about my friends who've actually carried me through to this moment? Where do they fit in? And that's one of the best things I've noticed after almost 250 weddings is that it is very often the friends, not the family, who bring the magic into a wedding. And that's why I'm not at all surprised that there are more and more weddings that do not have a single family member in attendance, or it is a family member. No reason to split equally or evenly. Like if I invite five, you invite five. It it doesn't really go like that. So I had a couple who told me about how when they first met, the families were not really happy about the relationship. To be fair, they were both very young and they were getting married, very young. But they still wanted to get married. And so it was kind of the we do the wedding route. Our parents are hoping, anticipating for us to do the big shebang, but that means that they are there and not necessarily happy or questioning the choices and decisions every step of the way. Or we do something smaller and we just surround ourselves with the people who show up for us and who we want there for us. Their wedding was really great. They had friends, they had roommates, they had their favorite bartender. And it was really, really nice because everyone there had gotten to know the couple as the couple. No one came from the background of, oh, well, I knew who you were 10 years before when you were younger, and this isn't what you dreamed of. Like, no, they if they did know the couple before they met each other, they were able to grow with the idea of this couple being together. They were not stuck in a space of who either person once was or who in their mind or realm they thought that they could be. So that's really, really interesting. But it's just weddings really remind me that who's there matters so much more than how they're related to you and how they're connected. And you get a lot of couples after the wedding who connect in with friends or get a great new coworker and instantly think, oh, if fate had only brought us together sooner, you so should have been at my wedding, in my wedding, been a part of these people. And that's what makes it so tough is that weddings are that day. It's not, it's not like a, oh gosh, I'd send them a Christmas card. Well, you have that opportunity every year to do that. So if they fall into your circle, you can start sending them Christmas cards. And if they don't fall into your circle or they fall out, you just kind of stop. Weddings and big family and life events are different. So let's let's talk practically for a moment. Because yeah, if you're deciding that your family members aren't getting invited to your wedding, that's gonna, that's gonna be something. It's definitely worth a lot of conversations. And I know that it is such a privilege to have parents or grandparents still living. And so I'm sure that there are individuals who would go, oh my gosh, you know, if only mine were alive, I would none of this nonsense. I would totally invite them. Different people, different relationships, different times, and different spaces is what we always have to keep in mind. Like I can imagine not having my dad walk me down the aisle, but then again, my dad's pretty, pretty perfect. All right, maybe not perfect, but he's pretty, he's pretty good. So you just you can't really make your decisions or impose your decisions on anyone else. Everyone's gotta make them for themselves. And that's where people make their their calls. Who is going to be in your corner? Is it the aunt who still calls you pumpkin and sees you like a little kid and at every milestone, you know, tears up and really reflects on how far you've come and you're that makes you feel good about it? Perfect top of the list inviter. Is it the best friend who's been the emotional anchor since your freshman year? Duh. Probably should be the maid of honor. But as you look at the relationships more and more, is it someone who drains your energy, criticizes your choices, makes you anxious, someone that you're finding you put in more towards the relationship than maybe they do, or someone that you haven't been on the same page with, or they haven't been on the same page with your spouse? That is another really key thing: is that the wedding is about the two of you. If this is someone who has ever thought and not come around to the idea that this relationship was going to go somewhere or be something, maybe they shouldn't be there. This very much falls into the category of the people who are like, oh, I'm friends with my ex. And yet the significant other is kind of uncomfortable that the ex is still in the picture or gets invited to weddings. You are definitely going to need to make sure you've got the guests on your list who make both of you happy and both of you comfortable. Someone loving you, but not being respectful to your partner is not an equal balance or someone I would think would be top of mind in list for a wedding invite. Because at the end of the day, you don't owe anyone an invitation. And yes, there's some school thought. If there's some financial money that parents are providing or other people are giving, there may come some strings attached with it. Talk about what those strings might be before accepting the money. If it's a gift, you can do what you want with a gift. If it is a sponsorship or an expectation, or a we're making this easier, or we are paying for the wedding, therefore, just know what you got going. Every person that comes into the circle and the space that is your wedding should want to be there for the right reasons. And you should want them there for the right reasons, not out of obligation or guilt or fear of what they might say, or, you know, if they're still gonna talk to your mom after all is said and done. And if that's a few less people, a little more peace, I'd make that trade. Yeah, it could easily be the trade that you make. But then again, it's the conversation to have earlier on versus later on, because there's a difference in we have figured out our guest list where we've booked the venue based off of this many people, and no more cuts or deviations, versus, oh, we started off inviting everyone who we were expected to invite or who we were supposed to invite, and then we decided they don't bring us joy, and we started cutting the guest list and we started rescinding invites. That's the kind of stuff that makes you end up on like, am I the asshole on Reddit? Figure it out and have the conversations ahead of time. So one of the best weddings I did was outdoors, little gazebo. It was a Marry Now party leader type ceremony. And I've referenced it before, but about 10:15, guests, they all kind of got ready around with the bride and groom, few that were in the bridal party, but most were friends. And as I got to talking with them, filling out the marriage license, chatting, I think it probably was the first wedding where absolutely nobody was a relative. And from getting to know the couple, I knew them both to be local-ish. So I was kind of shocked at first by like, oh, their their parents aren't here. Wow. Oh my gosh, like their siblings didn't come. And I got to thinking, gosh, that that's really not great. And then I learned from the couple that this was the elopement that they dreamed of and that they were gonna do something bigger later on. Big, big wedding. And it wasn't a matter of they invited family members that didn't attend, because that would be sad. But rather they made the decision of who would be the best people to be there to support them when they more or less eloped. And it was just a really different feeling. And it was great, and everyone was on the same page, and it was just fun. And that was what they wanted to do to start it out. And that really is what weddings are all about, is the people who show up and the fun that you have. And it's not it shouldn't be about the family approval. I know a lot of it is, but it shouldn't be. It's about who's alongside you in that room on that journey. And hopefully it is people who are your family. But if it's not your blood family, it's the friends that have become your family and have become your allies, your support, your people. So if you're planning a wedding, think about that. Throw the guest list totally out. Who has been there for you? Who's supported you? Who's made you laugh? Who has never once questioned that they would be there? Who's found ways to show their love and support, even if it's a little unconventional? These are your people. And they can be your chosen family, and you can invite them number for number, right alongside with your blood family. You could even skew and invite them more. This is just a reminder that those that love you isn't measured by percentage of shared DNA, but by presence and consistency, support and care. So if you had 10 guests or 200 guests, if you've really overlooked your guest list and you know that they are there with a shared love and support for you, you did it right. Good job. It's just it's an easier said-than-done thing. And I get that. I did a wedding a year ago and I laughed when I said it's political. We got married right before the election, two days before the election. And not only did we have to think about the guests that we were inviting, both of family and friend, but also where they might fall on the political spectrum and how vocal they might be about their thoughts on the political spectrum, especially after a few drinks. So, no matter how much we absolutely might have loved our uncle or our best friend, if they were just gonna be too stuck in what they thought was the best direction for the country that close to the election, it was not going to be good for them to be in such a diverse population and setting as we had for our wedding. And that's that's what makes me laugh when I said political. So, your wedding, what was the composition? Did you have it 90% family and friends were kind of shooed in? Did you invite family a little more out of obligation and wish you had some freer spaces for friends? Were you able to find that perfect balance and you had people you loved, period, whether they were family or friends? Or did you go a little more the way that my one couple did and have an abundance of friends, the chosen family, the non-blood relatives? How did they come in and how did they make up your special day? Feel free to drop me a line, an email, leave me a note, or hey, tell me if you want to come on the podcast and talk all about your wedding. Until next time, thank you guys so much for listening. We have officially gone worldwide, one listener at least on every single continent, which is absolutely insane. And I just I think I'm like 20 listens away from my first thousand, which is so crazy because this is a podcast about weddings I have done. Mind you, there are fun stories. I will not, I will not uh ever forget that, but it's just crazy to think about. So thank you for coming along on this ride and this journey. Gonna work to keep everything rocking and rolling. And until next time, this has been Amanda. Thank you for listening to The Wedding Wear with Officiating by Amanda. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and found some inspiration or insight for your own special day. This podcast is hosted on Buscrap and can be found on all major platforms. If you haven't already, please subscribe, like, comment, and share to help us reach even more listeners who might laugh a little at the wedding wear. For the links referenced in the show, visit Linktree at OfficiatingByamanda. You can also follow the business on Facebook, WeddingWire, and the Knot to stay up to date on everything going on. If you have a question you'd like me to answer on the podcast, just send an email to the WeddingWare Podcast at gmail.com. And if you're ready to inquire about officiating services for your own big day, you can reach me at officiatingbyamanda at gmail.com. Thank you so much for tuning in. And until next time, this has been Amanda.