Interview with Verlyn Tarlton, host of "The Before You Do" Podcast

Most couples will spend a year planning their wedding but barely a moment envisioning their actual marriage. In this eye-opening conversation with Verlyn Tarlton, author and host of "The Before You Do Podcast", we explore the critical conversations every couple should have before walking down the aisle.

Verlyn shares how she started her podcast after years of having the same conversation with women who all expressed one common regret: "Why didn't I know this before I got married?" Drawing from decades of personal experience and coaching couples, she explains why marriage requires effort—not just work—and how proper preparation can prevent the shock many newlyweds feel once the honeymoon phase ends.

The discussion dives into what it means to create a shared vision for marriage, comparing it to how businesses operate with mission statements and clear objectives. Verlyn emphasizes that couples must discuss expectations openly, examining how their unique backgrounds and family histories shape their views on everything from conflict resolution to parenting approaches. These conversations might feel unromantic, but they're essential for building a foundation that will sustain a lifetime together.

One particularly powerful insight is the distinction between supportive partners and professional help. While your spouse should be your person, they shouldn't be your only support system—especially when dealing with past trauma. As Verlyn notes, "A fresh start is not a fresh start if you don't deal with old traumas." The conversation also explores the value of pre-marriage coaching with an unbiased third party who can help identify issues without taking sides.

Whether you're engaged, newly married, or simply curious about building stronger relationships, this episode offers practical wisdom for approaching marriage with intention rather than just idealism. Listen now to discover why investing in your marriage before saying "I do" might be the most important wedding planning you'll ever do.

Find and follow Verlyn and her podcast here:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/authorverlyn.tarlton

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/1dwQ9IbAJfR2FwmP9ThTzV?si=1027ccf3923d4918

Website: https://verlyntarlton.com/

Chapters

• 0:00 Intro to Vendor Interviews
• 1:46 Meet Verlyn Tarlton
• 4:36 Why Marriage Requires Effort
• 9:29 The Shock After Wedding Day
• 16:55 Relatable Coaching Approach
• 24:40 Pre-Wedding Readiness Questions
• 30:27 Planning Wedding vs. Marriage

Transcript

Amanda: 0:05

Welcome to the Wedding Where with officiating by Amanda. So this week on the Wedding Where, a very special episode, as we are going to dive into the first of what I'm calling vendor interviews, or partners, partners in marriage and in love interviews. We got Verlyn. I'm going to let her introduce herself and give a little bit more of what she does, but, much like we've had with our brides, she's going to give a really wonderful take and look about weddings and, unlike the bridal interviews that we've done so far, it's not just that one wedding, that one day, that one couple.

Amanda: 0:56

She's bringing expertise from across a wide set and I also will shout out that she has her own podcast. And please, shamelessly plug yourself. I'll have links in my link tree as well so that you are able to find her on there and keep all of the love and sharing going. So, with all that in the mind and realm, who the heck are you and how did you get started doing what you do in both a pre-wedding couples space as well as as a podcaster?

Verlyn: 1:27

Absolutely. First of all, I want to say thank you, amanda, for having me. I do appreciate it. I do not take it lightly when someone brings you into their personal space. I believe that that is huge to be trusted with that. So, again, thank you for having me, and my name is Verlyn Tarleton. That's T like Thomas A-R-L-T-O-N, and I am a woman who gets excited about all things love, logic and marriage. That is my thing. I love the whole concept of love and being happily married, of love and being happily married. And I also am a podcast, as you mentioned. I am an author, an accomplished author, and I'm always writing. I love the beach and I love books and so, at heart, I am definitely a teacher.

Verlyn: 2:20

I started my podcast, which is called The Before you Do Podcast, because of so many conversations I have had down through I would say about a decade, with young ladies in particular and some of my own peers, and we always had discussions about all the things we were learning as we were going, and for the young people it was more. I had the experience and they were just having questions about this and telling me what was going on and I could speak in a way to them of understanding because I had gone through those things. But I noticed a running pattern that we all felt the same way. Why didn't I know this before we got married? Why didn't somebody tell me this before I got married? And it's not always a negative thing, but it was a thing because marriage has so many nuances. I used to say that marriages work, but I've started to reframe that and I say marriage requires effort. Okay, and so in that state of mind, if we have a little better understanding or idea of what to expect, we can kind of gauge the effort that we're going to have to put into this thing called marriage.

Verlyn: 3:37

And so when I would hear commonalities about issues or problems that were presented, and then the question behind that was I wish I had known that before I got married, I wish I had known this, and when I would help you know, offer advice or sometimes just a listening ear, I would notice first of all I had empathy because I had been through these things before, because it's not like everything is so different. You know, we all kind of go through the same things, especially that first year or two when we're adjusting. And so I had someone, maybe about a year ago, say you know what. You should talk about this on a bigger scale. Lots of my friends need to hear this, you know. And she was really encouraging me to kind of get out there some kind of way on social media and have these conversations, because she felt what I was saying was valuable and I was like you know what? Yeah, I think that's a good idea because I know I felt the same way when I got married.

Verlyn: 4:37

I felt there was was so much I didn't know, so much I didn't understand, and I just, you know, you wind up in this place and you're just in shock after the thrill is gone, like BB King says, and now you're like OK, so this is how we have to do this. And so that's how I got started.

Verlyn: 4:56

I started researching how to start a podcast and I started the podcast and I like it. And I started the podcast and I like it, or I love it, because I feel like it's a better reach, because you're reaching more people versus lots of conversations, and then you can also that person shares, and I feel like this is my way of giving back, if I can prevent other couples, especially ladies, going into shock when they get past the I'm in love, giddy feelings and say, okay, I really got to put forth some effort. Then to me it's all worthwhile to share the things I have learned down through the decades of being married and hopefully to help make someone what is the word more, like I said, knowledgeable and prepared for the effort, and they appreciate it because then you're not so shocked. So that's how I got started. I had always been writing and so now, as a writer, to sit and craft you know these podcasts and have these guests, it all kind of merges together and I'm very thankful to be able to do that.

Amanda: 6:06

I had a kind of a marathon day yesterday. I met with a couple for a booking, consultation, everything like that, an older couple. They're not the first time around the block with relationships, but it's the first time getting married. And they had asked you know, can we be really realistic in the vows? And then, you know, the bride was very specific. I don't want to say, don't go to bed angry. She's like that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And the groom was like, yeah, and you know you take different approaches based off of what you were raised in and what you've seen.

Amanda: 6:43

There are some couples who never saw their parents fight. Maybe it's because it was only a one-parent household. So who are you going to fight with? Other times it was the conversations of character and concern were behind closed doors. And then you have other couples that throughout their childhood witnessed very visual, very verbal arguments and how that adjusts for people of what they consider a fight to be. I have always found fascinating. I'll get you know, raise my voice a little bit with my husband. He'll go. Why are you yelling at me? And I'm like I'm not, I'm not yelling at you. So some of those different terminologies I'm sure from the work that you do really pick up.

Amanda: 7:26

Interestingly and as I ended my day yesterday with a wedding, I have a part that I ask every couple to fill out a little survey and I have them answer the question. I'm sure that my spouse does blank because it annoys me, or you know, it's that little irksome pet peeve. They might not do it maliciously because it annoys me, or you know, it's that little irksome pet peeve. They might not do it maliciously because it annoys you, but it comes into play that they just can't seem to remember not to do it and it's not something big. However, I have found that younger couples will very quickly skip the question on the questionnaire, or I had one bride write will very quickly skip the question on the questionnaire, or I had one bride write. This is really passive, aggressive and I don't know maybe how I have to reword it, but my older couples, couples that have been together for longer than a year, have really done some things. They all laugh at it and they love it and some of the funniest answers.

Amanda: 8:21

I was sharing with a wonderful married gentleman last night. He and his husband had been together for 35 years and he goes oh, I love the answers that the couple gave. I said, well, what would you give? And he goes. My husband puts his shoes on first thing in the morning upstairs in our room and then clamps around the upstairs, clamps down the stairs. I can hear him clomping all throughout the house and that, just every time, just irks me. Gosh darn, it, can't you put your shoes on by the door like a normal person? And I said, okay, and what do you think he'd say about you? And he goes.

Amanda: 8:56

Oh, there's far too many to name His one little flaw. You know he's got a book on me, but I have found that fun too is that some of the couples that are still in that all that you do is great and love and rainbows and unicorns and the sun shines out of extraneous places, haven't quite gotten annoyed by it. The fact that there's five seconds left on the microwave and you pulled the food out and you could not restart the button. What and this is probably going to be really hard for you to hammer down, because I know that you are so invested in this work, but what would you say is the one thing you love most about the work that you have some of the understanding that I have to bring about some clarity and to bring about understanding.

Verlyn: 10:08

To me, that's huge when you can talk with someone and they understand that you get them. I don't know how really that's what I see. It's nothing like when somebody gets you. You know what I mean. Not just well, okay, we had fun, and I'm glad you told me this, but when they understand that I really get them, and so at that point it's much easier to have the conversation because they understand that I understand where they're coming from, that I'm not someone who's so super experienced and so wise beyond my years that I can't get them right in the midst of frustration in front, in the midst of maybe, rage, you know, just like I cannot believe this, this, and I can say, look, I get it, I get you, and then I can share a story because I have many that is relatable and that's another key word to be able to be relatable, to have someone to trust me in that space where they say, okay, she gets me, and now I can let this out, and then I can come back and say something that can either be comforting or, like I said, where the light bulb just goes off and they're like, yeah, she gets me, and now there's hope you know I don't have to feel hopeless that, yeah, somebody else went through this, and not only did they go through it, they made it through and everybody's still alive, right? No one met their demise, right, no one met their demise, and so I think that is the best thing.

Verlyn: 11:56

I also really enjoy creating these topics. I'm a writer. That is my true passion, and so when I get to sit down and either think of questions for the interview or I have, when I first decided I'm going to start this podcast because I know I can help people and my title Before you Do the one I wanted was taken it was like something before you say I do, or something like that. And so my premise of Before you Do is things you should at least consider before you actually say I do. And so I began to write down all the things I wish I had known, and I was at 20, and then I was at 30. And then I wrote down 99 topics, which equated to 99 episodes, and some of them had like a part two, right, and so just to be in that creative space, to be able to think something and then have a interesting, relevant conversation about it, where somebody would hit me up and say oh man, that was great. Oh, I really didn't think about that, but thanks for pointing that out Like it is a vision come true.

Amanda: 13:28

The empathy and commonalities with couples is kind of also greeting them at a stage of, hey, I'm no better, I am human. I've got some insights in this space, you're going to have insights in your space and we're just going to mesh together, especially couples that come from a little more of a religious background and aren't you know? They hear a minister title and they go okay, how do I address you? And I'm like, let me give you a little bit more background, like I've done this many weddings. They have not been churches, they have not been here. You know I'm, I don't have a problem coming to your cabin in the woods and, okay, your groomsman has a little Budweiser shirt on underneath his button up, that just sounds like fun man. So certainly empathizing in that space and something again for you to think about.

Amanda: 14:14

I'm sure you will never run out of elements on the before you say you know, before you say I do, even though you know, but thinking of even myself, with our move that we have going, or people as they think of engagement, people as they think of babies all of those are actions. Before you do any of those, there should be thoughts and concerns. So maybe a branch out for you if you ever run out of topics before you do large life decision, before you do a house move, before you do and quit your job. What about insurance? How you know, how do you navigate those feelings of I'm not financially contributing right now? Does that change my self-worth? I just think that with your wide experiences and the wisdom and knowledge that you have could certainly be some bigger fortes out there if you ever ran out of topics. But I think, yeah, every couple presents some uniqueness in their challenges, but also there's inherent universal things with it, which is what you certainly connect in with.

Amanda: 15:20

I've been there. You know it might not be the exact same shade of blue, but I've been in the blue spectrum before, and so, yeah, let's talk about it. Yeah, let's talk about it. Has there, has there ever been, you know someone that you've worked with, given advice to, and they just they didn't. It went in one ear out the other. You know they were already on the path that they're on. They didn't heed it, they didn't hear it, and how has that kind of made you feel or kind of shaped the work that you aim to do? Now? I know a lot of it. You're take it or leave it. I'm just putting it out there, you know, is there a background where people have totally left it?

Verlyn: 16:00

I can't say that. It is because most of the time I'm dealing with the ladies and I don't recall any time when anyone really felt like, well, let's put it this way, they didn't say it to my face, you know. They would just say you know you're right and we can implement this, etc. But I have not had a time yet where anyone has just said, well, you know, that doesn't make sense to me or we're not going to do that. I have walked with people, ladies, and encouraged them.

Verlyn: 16:40

And here's the thing, because I do the premarital coaching, right, and that's where you sit down and you work things together. I am not saying do this, do that, don't do this, don't do that. But I will encourage certain behaviors or certain actions. And sometimes you will get people and you know that woman is trying to save her marriage, right, and you're trying to help encourage that. And deep down it's like I'm saying I know this isn't going to work, right, but I don't want to ever encourage anyone to divorce a spouse.

Verlyn: 17:21

But I have had to encourage people to look really carefully to see if this is the healthiest place for them to be, and so I have had one woman in particular who stayed in a very unhealthy place. For a while it shows up, and then I've had those who stayed, but then the light came on. They're like you know I'm out, and then you have some. Well, you know, you tried to encourage them to stay and you said you know how you can see that light at the end of the tunnel and you know they're going to make their own decision, but they would leave. And so, like I said, no one has actually said oh no, I disagree or I'm going to do whatever.

Verlyn: 18:11

Anyway. You just don't know necessarily what happens. Until you know what happens, or you just never know. But for the most part it's usually positive feedback, it's usually things that are agreeable, and so I know I'm sure one day it'll happen and you know, and it's if it does, it does. Again, I am not in a position where I'm telling anybody what to do or what not to do, and that's what's important, because with coaching it's just like that. You're working around, you're working with each other to help go through these things. So I haven't had anyone to my face actually say that, but you never know what's really going on. But I can see that people are still together, so that's a good thing.

Amanda: 18:59

I've had a few couples. I've started to learn to say few couples because, if not, I say, oh, I've had a couple of couples, which makes me laugh. But I've had a few couples who, again, they've grown up more church-based, so they're ready for premarital counseling, and they've asked you know, hey, do you do that service? And I stayed out. Hey, I could facilitate a conversation, and the one I did, the couple was much more expecting me to almost take a side, you know, and I'm like, no, no, I'm just dropping the issue down the table and pretty much putting a timer on it. Or, you know, you all tell me, yes, we've had've had this conversation. Oh, we still need to hammer out a few things. Like I would, in the conversation, be like, hey, kids, have you talked about kids? Have you decided that you want kids? Have you decided to what level you might financially invest to have kids? If it doesn't happen, naturally are you both on the same page with the number of kids. Here you go. And the one was like, well, what? Like I say one, he says two, which should we do? And I'm like, oh, no, no, that's that is not for me. Happy to let you all work it out a little bit more and give you more prompts, but I by no means I'm kind of getting into space and I always do wonder, like, okay, you know, I hope I've removed myself enough from the situations because you want them to make their own decisions. They need to. They're the ones who are going to be in this relationship day in and day out, and just how it comes together. And couples are always fascinating and interesting. I love the ones that will ask for advice. I kind of don't give you know exact, I go with a hey, you know, these are traditional, these are trends, this is what I've seen, what I would say unto you from my own personal self to do, because I am not you, and they go oh, yes, okay, I understand, thank you, pivot to a 180 and do something really different. I kind of chuckle a bit. I'm like, okay, well, I'm glad I spent a few minutes on that. Onto the next page, onto the next to go.

Amanda: 21:16

And what I've found unique is a few couples who they're striving, on wedding day, to wrap everything up with a beautiful, perfect bow that they want it to be okay. This is the day our new life begins. This is the day it's legal. This is our marriage. This is the license. This is the day it's legal. This is our marriage. This is the license and unfortunately, not all couples are ready for it to be right there.

Amanda: 21:45

There are some that the start of their new life, as you call it, isn't at wedding day. Either, you know, maybe they're moving from a parent's house or condensing apartments and actually they're not getting that live together, newlywed experience, and that won't start for a few more months, or maybe they've already been together for eight or nine years. The wedding makes it legal. You know it doesn't. That's not when your adventure begins, and I've had a few who have been struggling with some issues and have asked you know, can we still have this wedding, this big ceremony, and not have a marriage?

Amanda: 22:26

We have a license, but we don't want to sign it yet, or we don't want you to sign it yet, because we're still figuring out what it is we want to do. We don't want to cause concern with our family and our friends and cancel a wedding and lose out on thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars. But we also don't want to cause concern with our family and our friends and cancel a wedding and lose out on thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars. But we also don't want to maybe a year from now, have to turn around and file for a divorce with also thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars. In which case I'm like, hey, I'm not going to tell you this or that, you've already made your decisions, that you want to keep the ceremony. You don't want it to be legal.

Amanda: 23:03

I have to tell you that if you present me with a license, I have to sign it and I have to return it if you present me with a license. If you don't, you forgot it at your house. It's in the back truck. You want to figure it out later? That is fine. But if you give it to me, I got to sign it and they're like okay, and I said and if you decide later on, you do want to get married at the end, you know you want the license signed and your license has expired. It's $65 to go get a new one. That is a drop in the bucket compared to what divorce would be and compared to what canceling out a wedding would be. All avenues are right. I've had couples cancel full weddings. I've had couples get full divorced. I've had couples kind of meet in the middle and do the ceremony, and no license. So it's just trying to find what makes sense to them, because everyone's a little bit different.

Verlyn: 23:58

That's interesting to them, because everyone's a little bit different. That's interesting. That makes me think about this is one thing. When I talk to ladies and either they're really really ready to get married, maybe not engaged yet, or they're engaged, and I ask or I suggest to them you know, while you have this time, spend the time, spend more time planning your marriage than you do your wedding day. I know people who start a year in advance. I mean, and the money that's put out, and I often wonder how much of this planning is including the actual marriage. And so I'm always encouraging the ladies look, spend more time, and if it costs money for counseling or whatever on your marriage, your wedding day it's going to come, it's going to be spectacular, but it's going to be over in a matter of some hours. And then you have your honeymoon, but the marriage, supposedly you know you're planning that this is going to be a lifetime. And so one of the things I am big on now that I had no idea, because no one told me have a vision, have a vision. When you go to a job, they tell you this is our vision, this is our mission statement, how we're going to carry this out, this is the goal, and I'm not saying it has to be so robotic or unromantic.

Verlyn: 25:26

However, two people should have a vision of what they want this one marriage to look like, and what does that mean? That means, what are your expectations Right? What are your expectations for yourself? What are your expectations for your spouse? What does marriage look like to you? These are questions I'm asking because you may bring to the table well, my parents. They were married 55 years. This is how marriage looks to me, and that might look totally different from a parent or a set of parents who were married 55 years, but they did it differently. Or it may be my parents were married for 55 years and the other person well, my parents were divorced and what they saw was different. And so you have to have these unromantic conversations because you have two people with different perspectives, different life experiences, and yet we're trying to craft one life together, one marriage, but we're putting all of our time and attention into what the cake is going to look like, what the colors are, what the dresses are.

Verlyn: 26:29

I don't even know what you expect from me More than just love me. I just want to be in love. Well, let's get beyond that, all right. What does your vision of marriage look like? What are your expectations? What does marriage even look like to you? You brought up having children. If you have children, do you want to both work? Do you want someone to stay home? You have to have these conversations If you know that you have had some childhood trauma and you know would be an advantage to get therapy. If you've been divorced, if you lost a spouse in death, if you were just abandoned, you may need some therapy to work through these things before you join with someone else, because a fresh start is not a fresh start if you don't deal with the old traumas, and that's huge.

Amanda: 27:30

And your spouse can be such a great support system, but they should not be your only support system, and even if they are a licensed therapist, they should not be your only support system. And they, even if they are a licensed therapist, they are not your therapist, because there are some issues that no, no one singular, average human is built to deal with. You know, you need the training, you need the insight, you need the formal knowledge. It's like I I joke and call my husband my pharmacist. You know I'll wake up and go on my stomach and you know he goes all right, let me look through the cabinet. What are your symptoms? What do you have? We jokingly, but he is by no means. If there was something significantly wrong, he is not my doctor. He can put a band-aid on me, but he is not my primary care physician, nor, nor should he be, nor should I trust him to be. So let your spouse be your person, but not far beyond the beginning levels of your person.

Verlyn: 28:29

Yeah, that therapy can be very key and that's where some time and some resources should be going into, because, if not, those issues don't dissipate because you marry someone else. They are still there. And another thing is getting the pre-marriage coaching, which is something separate, because you need a third party that's unbiased to say, okay, I'm listening, now what do you think? Biased, to say, okay, I'm listening, now what do you think? How do you feel about this? And then bring the two minds together to solve these issues. And so, yeah, I'm all about pre-marriage coaching as well as after coaching, because marriage is just like a job. It's on the job training. It doesn't matter how many podcasts you listen to. It doesn't matter how much counseling, coaching. You're going to be learning something all the time. It's a learning lifelong process, but it doesn't mean it has to be a horrible thing. That's why you have a third party, that's why you understand you can go back to your vision, you can go back to your expectation and say, well, hey, we agreed upon this. How can we make this work?

Verlyn: 29:45

And one of the things I always tell, I always say, is the husband is not the problem, the wife is not the problem, the problem is the problem and when you go to a third party coach, they can help you. If you cannot, they can help you identify and clarify the problem and then you can come together to work it out. But often we look and say she is this, she does that, she did she is the problem. No, it's not that she is the problem. Maybe there's a habit, maybe there's some logic behind that where we need understanding. But the person, your person is not the problem.

Verlyn: 30:28

It's identifying and then clarifying that and then coming together to work on that and work through that, and that's why a third party that's unbiased can help do that. You mentioned something about a pastor and they can be good. But if this is your pastor, since you were three, you know, and he loves you so much and he's not going to want to hurt your little feelings because now you know he has a bias towards you. So when you get a third party who doesn't like one more than the other and he's not necessarily or she's not there to pacify one because they know, then you can get some good coaching, some good advice that you can braid together and you can solve these problems.

Amanda: 31:16

You know, does that make sense? Oh, it does. And in adding into that, I would certainly say, problems that come back again. And being, you know, kind of knowing hey, we've, we've addressed this before versus this is now a different time, a different circumstance, a different take, and with my own friends, my own personal life, you know, if you're revisiting the same conversation over and over again, again, with the same finances are the same circumstances, are the same, timing's the same, but you're having that same conversation again and again, right, hey, what did we not hit home the first time? You know, maybe that's why you need to take it. Hey, let's go to the drawing board. Obviously, if I'm having to reiterate this again and again and again, something's not meshing. Let's see how we, how we translate it over with the help of a third person. And then my, my second point in this is you might have already had the conversation and you're like wait, why are they bringing it up again? Why is this coming back to our doorstep? And is it because the situation same thing, with the exact same time, the exact same circumstances? Know when you might need to get third party support to be able to really put an issue to bed, to not keep revisiting that wheel For the next episode of the Wedding Where, Next episode of the Wedding Wear. I'm continuing my conversation with Verlyn. We've got some really great tips from her on how to have the conversations ahead of time, the whole entire focus of before you do, as well as a very interesting the Wedding Wear from her perspective. Wedding Where with for listening to the Wedding Wear with Officiating by Amanda. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and found some inspiration or insight for your own special day.

Amanda: 33:32

and can be found on all major platforms. If you haven't already, please subscribe, like, comment and share to help us reach even more listeners who might laugh a little at the Wedding Wear. For the links referenced in the show, visit Linktree at Officiating by Amanda. You can also follow the business on Facebook, weddingwire and the Knot to stay up to date on everything going on. If you have a question you'd like me to answer on the podcast, just send an email to theweddingwearpodcast at gmailcom, and if you're ready to inquire about officiating services for your own big day, you can reach me at officiatingbyamanda at gmailcom. Thank you so much for tuning in and until next time. This has been Amanda.