The Groom Had a Black Eye

Ever wonder where wedding officiants draw their ethical lines? That dilemma sits at the heart of this raw, unflinching look at one of my most challenging ceremonies - a wedding where the groom showed up sporting a fresh black eye.

The journey began with troubling signs: a bride who initially canceled because "the groom hit her," only to reconcile weeks later claiming a "misunderstanding." As someone educated in domestic violence dynamics, I found myself wrestling with whether to proceed. When I arrived at the venue (a converted auto body shop rather than the originally mentioned Knights of Columbus hall) to find the groom visibly injured, that internal struggle intensified. The flimsy explanation that "decorations fell on him" didn't match what I observed, yet there I stood, facing a profound question: Was this my place to judge?

My guiding philosophy as an officiant has always been meeting couples where they are without imposing personal judgments. I've conducted ceremonies in prisons and commitment ceremonies for couples awaiting divorce decrees. Yet this situation pushed me to define clearer boundaries. It taught me that maintaining professional distance is sometimes necessary - I don't need to befriend every couple or track their marital outcomes. While I maintain firm limits (I won't marry teenagers or people to their pets), I recognize that adults make their own choices, however questionable they might seem to outsiders.

What lines have you drawn in your professional life? How do you balance judgment with respect for others' autonomy? I'd love to hear your thoughts on navigating these murky ethical waters. Share your experiences or reach out if you'd like some Wedding Wearer swag - I'm always thrilled to connect with listeners!

Chapters

• 0:00 Episode Introduction and Disclaimer
• 1:37 Geographic Shoutouts to Listeners
• 5:50 The Wedding and Red Flags
• 9:50 The Groom's Black Eye
• 15:45 Boundaries and Professional Ethics
• 19:00 Final Thoughts and Next Episodes

Transcript

Amanda : 0:10

Welcome to the Wedding Where, with officiating by Amanda. the Wedding Where, the groom had a black eye. Welcome back to the Wedding where! I have a few announcements before we dive on into today's episode. But I really have a pretty large disclaimer as we start off. Disclaimer as we start off. This is one of my most often told stories to my friends and family and peers, and it is more so to highlight the situations that I've seen and to highlight that I come from a place of not judging couples. I also use it to show the growth that I've had in personal safety and being able to say no when situations don't seem smart or great. But with this whole episode, I want you in your head going we listen and we don't judge. Okay, it's gonna be very key, all right. So before we dive in, I do want to do some geographic shout outs Again. I really, really wish I could see like individual names of who supports and who listens. I think it'd be really, really fun, but I don't quite have that access yet. Please let me know if you're listening in and where you're listening from. If you want to DM me or private message me or anything, email me even your mailing address. I'd love to send you some the Wedding Wearer swag. We've got stickers. Please, oh please. I would love to celebrate you and how you've helped me get to this point. So, as of the recording of this, mind you, it might be a month before you actually hear it. We've got some really great shout outs. We have four international listens at this point Beirut, lebanon, sao Paulo, brazil, turkey, istanbul, turkey and then Brisbane, australia. Would love to know if any of those are you. Thank you, where are you? Who are you?

Amanda : 2:42

As a lot of you know, when I see the numbers climb up on these different locations, I try to think, oh, who do I know there and who do I know there? Yeah, there's some of these. I really, really don't know and, unlike last time where I shouted out the top 10, I'm actually going to go to the bottom of the list and I'm going to shout out some of the locations that only have one listen. If you are hearing this from your place, please know you're helping the listener count. Go up to at least two, but share it out. I would love to see some of these numbers climb. I hope that's not just you know, someone who is a one-time listener decided it wasn't for them. So let's help grow some of these numbers up.

Amanda : 3:27

These are all of the places where there's been one listen, and there's quite a bit of them, so I'm going to rattle them off here. All right, going to Menifee, california, aldermont Springs, florida, quakertown, pennsylvania, bossier City, louisianaiana, I think, bossier bluebell, pennsylvania it's better than blue ball, let's just say that, but pennsylvania has that too. Birmingham, alabama, los angeles, california, denville, new jersey, vancouver, washington and this is even before my Alaska trip. So I'm like who's there? Who's there? Great Grand Prairie, texas, st John's, florida, trenton, new Jersey, cincinnati, ohio, nanuet, new York, matamoros, pennsylvania, which I'm assuming is one of my family members, dre, drexel Hill, pennsylvania, boardman, oregon, san Francisco, california, clark Summit, pennsylvania, marcus Hook, pennsylvania, kingston, pennsylvania, nazareth, pennsylvania, irvington, new Jersey, ashburn, virginia, roseville, california, chester, pennsylvania, florham Park, new Jersey, portland, connecticut, ocala, florida, gatlin, tennessee, bethlehem, pennsylvania, memphis, tennessee, lehighton, pennsylvania, holly, pennsylvania, glassboro, new Jersey, sinking Spring, pennsylvania, scranton, pennsylvania. And rounding us out with one lesson so far Chicago, illinois. So thank you, thank you all to the regular listeners who've helped climb the charts up for your respective cities. I'm going to aim over the summer to do like a fun little. You know where all the listeners, little geographic oh gosh, that's going to be a project but I'm so excited for it. So, diving back in today, I'm going to need a little Celsius for this.

Amanda : 5:39

The wedding wear the groom had a black eye. So I don't really say no to couples. I work very hard not to judge based on finances, circumstances, appearances, requests for ceremony. I don't. That's how I've married people in unique locations like prisons. That's how I've done commitment ceremonies when they're both still getting their divorce decrees. I really work very hard to put aside any judgment levels that I have because I really probably had it with this couple from from the beginning. A little bit older, a little bit, you know, hey, backwoodsy, which again I am. I grew up in the Poconos, dad did deer processing. I can be a little bit of a roughneck kind of girl.

Amanda : 6:43

There were just some red flags from the very beginning and all along the entire time of this wedding I had to keep asking myself like are you sure you still want to do this? You know, don't make judgments on the couple, don't assume that they're just going to cancel or end in divorce. So the first really big red flag in this was that the bride had booked me, paid the final balance and about a week after paying the final balance, had requested a refund of the final balance because the groom hit her. Yeah and yikes. And the domestic violence and criminology co-major in me was like, okay. Co-major in me was like, okay, cool, refunded what I was able to and was like cool, cross the wedding off the list. About a month later, get an email, a misunderstanding. We're going to work things out. He's going to therapy, yeah. So I had to. I had to make a call in that moment of whether I was going to stick with it or whether I was going to say nope.

Amanda : 7:56

I think once someone hits you, they'll always hit you and I don't want to be a part of this and really struggled within myself but had to say it's not, it's not my place to make that judgment for anyone else. When her and I talked last, I gave her all the resources I knew of. Adults are adults and when you provide them with the resources, it is then balls in their court to do what they can or what they will. And I won't pretend to know all of the situations or circumstances. It's never right to hit somebody male, female, parent, kid, spouse, a grandparent, anything like you, just don't. But then I also know that I'm the girl that hears something funny and like I slap someone on the arm, knock it off. You know, touches are better defined by the people experiencing them and with them versus anybody of an outsider. Like if my husband were to say to someone oh, my wife hits me, I don't even want to think of you know they go. Oh, my gosh, she hits you. Or sometimes I, you know I have a bruise and it's like oh, you know, my husband bruised me. It's not, it's not in that way, it really isn't. I bruise easily, like a peach, like he could pinch my cheek and say, oh, you look so cute today and I guarantee I'll end up with a bruise. And when he says I hit him, like I slapped him on the backside and said get up off the couch please. You know, move your feet please. And actions are better defined by the people living in them than by the people who may be hearing what was going on. So suffice it to say I was like okay, you've rescheduled. Cool, here is, here's the final payment I now need back again.

Amanda : 9:59

The wedding was originally supposed to be at a knights of columbus. I did not look up the typed out address, like number and street name that they gave me to verify that it was Somewhere along the way. I guess the venue had changed, probably around the same time that the date changed and it was no longer a Knights of Columbus. So as I started driving and realizing I'm going further and further away from civilization, like a busy two-lane highway and then some back roads, I felt very uneasy, called my mom I'm like just stay on the phone with me here because rehearsal was not a Knights of Columbus and neither was the wedding going to be. It was in a former auto body shop that they, I will say, beautifully transformed. Like the outside looked rough, the inside looked really nice, looked really really nice.

Amanda : 11:04

So again had to just dispel my judgments once again of what kind of wedding will this be? What kind of marriage is this Like? Put all that aside, amanda, you're not there to judge, gosh. We listen and we don't judge. We show up for weddings and we don't judge. We don't judge when the groom only has a few teeth left. We don't judge when all of the bridesmaids are some version of pregnant. We don't judge when the little kids are running around carrying the beer to the adults. We don't judge. It's not our place. We don't judge.

Amanda : 11:46

We did the rehearsal, all was fine, all was good. I was like sure I will still be here tomorrow. They invited me to stay for rehearsal dinner as well as reception dinner and I politely declined both Again, not a situation where I was needed nor where I wanted to stay, so I drove home. Okay, some of these things now check out. Some of these things make more sense. But we're going to do the work paid of us. We listen and we don't judge and what will be will be.

Amanda : 12:24

I've had other divorces before. I've had couples I didn't think would make it and I'm glad I never said it out loud because they have and I would hate to be wrong. So we just let it go and let it be all of gosh, not even 24 hours later. So if I left at like seven o'clock from the rehearsal and I got back around 2 30 for three o'clocks yep, not even 24 hours the groom had a fresh and shiny black eye. He got a. He got a. Good hit is what he got.

Amanda : 13:11

I was told that decorations had fallen upon the groom in the morning, that he'd been putting them up. There were no decorations, kind of hanging or even draped, that could have like. There's like tinsel. Tinsel doesn't cause bruise anywho, we listen and we don't judge. However, we do make sure that we get a picture, because no one would believe me if I didn't. However, that is a personal, private use picture and for when I tell the story in person it is not going out on the internet. So sorry, friends, you're just gonna have to use your own imagination. But yeah, my initial and internal reaction upon seeing that was like ah ha ha. I wonder what happened last night. I wonder if the the boys had gone out to a bar and gotten into a disagreement. I wonder if the couple themselves had gotten into a little bit more of a physical disagreement, because men aren't the only people who can hit, women also hit. It happens.

Amanda : 14:24

And once again, an internal struggle of do I do this, do I officiate this wedding, when there's clearly some things going on here that are above my, my pay grade, above my profession, because I'm by no means a marriage counselor, a therapist, a shrink it would be my major in history and I got ordained online. What? What do I do? And if I decided to back out of this, what would I think about myself if I backed out of doing this wedding and how would that speak to my business, you know? Would there be a bad review left? How would the couple word it and spin it? Do I really want to get into online conversations? Well, no, I canceled because I, quite frankly, at times did not feel safe being in a broken down former auto body shop on a divided highway with a groom of the black eye that the bride had previously told me hit her what to do. I did it. I married them, I wished them well, signed the license, thanked them for their time and I left. And that was one of the occasions that really started me in real conversation.

Amanda : 15:48

On, I don't have to be friends with every couple I've ever married. I don't need to keep track on if they're still married or not. I don't need to be Facebook friends with them. I don't need to send them holiday cards. They can just be weddings. Some of the couples can just be weddings, because it's better that way, because if you were my friend, I do have more space to personally judge and to make opinions in my head, or even make opinions known. If you're not, if you're just a client, okay, I have no space, I have no room. You hired me for a purpose. I'm doing said purpose and away I go. So that is what I did married them. I have no clue if they are still together or not. I guess I could always do a quick little google. I mean, google is google, is a wild, wild ride, and that is something, especially as I've gotten into prison.

Amanda : 16:50

Weddings I very consciously do not. I do not Google, I I elect not to Google, I just don't, I just don't want to, I don't want to be conflicted with what, whatever's going on. Yeah, that was a wedding where I had to work a lot not to judge, and it hasn't been the only one since. I've had few where the groom has said things, bride has mentioned things. I just kind of got to take it in because I don't know the full story, I don't know the full relationship. I don't want to fully know Adults are doing adult things. There are only two types of weddings that I will say no to, and anything else I really try to abide by Let go, let go, let God. It's not my place if the county said that they can do it, if you know they're consenting adults and sober when they say I do, fine, it's not bad. So the two types of weddings I will not do is teenagers, whether it's marrying another teenager, whether your parent is consent, no, I I don't.

Amanda : 18:15

Even if you have a situation where you have to get married, or you're 16 and he's 18 and he's going to the army, I will not do it. I'm so sorry. You are so not ready to make that decision. And no, you find yourselves pregnant and you are seeking to get married before the baby's here. Please don't, that's just my own icky wicket that someone else will marry you. Don't worry, there's plenty of people. Somebody else will marry you. It won't be me, it's just one of my hard lines in the sand. And the other wedding I will not do is people marrying their pets, marrying inanimate objects. That's just a different kind of different. And while I'm sure that there's a market there, that is not a market. I plan, nor want to plan. So no, thank you.

Amanda : 19:19

I do the prison weddings. I've just got my first check from an actual prison and an inmate used his account at you know what 10 cents an hour to save up the money to pay me, which is really crazy. I have to cash it and I'm like, wow, I don't know if I want to cache it or frame it. It's kind of unique, but I don't. I don't Google the couple, I don't Google the inmate. I really strive my hardest not to judge in those spaces and places.

Amanda : 19:51

Now, after I send in the marriage license and it's all done on my end, do I talk with my mother, who has super soothing skills Shout out to you, martha and she finds out what they were incarcerated for? Yes, yes, I do. Sharing is caring sometimes and have there been a few that oh, went away for some very, very icky things? Yes, and I'm really glad that I didn't know about it before I did the wedding, because if I did, it would have changed it a bit for me. I would have tried very hard not to let it change anything outwardly, in a professional setting, but in my own head and in my own heart, yeah, it would change things and it would have made me really question things, just like I did at the wedding where the groom had a black eye. So thank you for listening on that wild ride with me.

Amanda : 20:55

Where do you fall in judgment? I love good tea, I love good gossip, but when it comes to your work jobs that you're hired to do. Do you judge, do you pass judgment? Do you turn them down and say, nope, not doing that, they seem like icky people. You turn them down and say, nope, not doing that, they seem like icky people. How has your business survived doing that? I certainly now that I want to aim to get to a place where I say no to business, but I honestly don't want to be in a situation again where I'm struggling with myself a lot. So, please, if you've got a business small business, one that is forward-facing, people-facing one, where you can't really afford a bad review, how do you turn down things that just make you go, no, thank you, especially if a few months before you had been yeah, this sounds, sounds great. How do you make that turn and pivot? I would love to know. Please drop me a line. Thank you so much for listening and until next time. We've got some great interviews lined up, we've got some more, the wedding wares, and I'm excited for all of these next adventures with you.

Amanda : 22:18

Thank you for listening to the Wedding Wear with Officiating by Amanda. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and found some inspiration or insight for your own special day. This podcast is hosted on Buzzsprout and can be found on all major platforms. If you haven't already, please subscribe, like, comment and share to help us reach even more listeners who might laugh a little at the Wedding Wear. For the links referenced in the show, visit Linktree at Officiating by Amanda. You can also follow the business on Facebook, weddingwire and the Knot to stay up to date on everything going on. If you have a question you'd like me to answer on the podcast, just send an email to theweddingwearpodcast at gmailcom, and if you're ready to inquire about officiating services for your own big day, you can reach me at officiatingbyamanda at gmailcom. Thank you so much for tuning in and until next time. This has been Amanda.